


When The Kettle Was Boiling

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged Up, Amnesia, Angst, Car Accident, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Falling In Love Again, Fluff, Future Fic, Happy Ending, Healing, Kissing, M/M, Realistic, Therapy, daisuga - Freeform, emotional tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23591389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "I love you," Daichi mumbles almost incoherently, but Suga hears it loud and clear.Though, he doesn't say it back. Just a brief, but fond smile. A fond smile that just happens, as if it was a habitual reflex he's done over and over wholeheartedly before. But now, the muscles work just as they always have, but the heart behind it is missing.And Daichi knows that it's missing.Life throws the biggest damn curveball in Daichi and Suga's relationship, with a car crash that costs Suga's memory of his lifetime. It's hard to watch someone you love no longer love you anymore, and at Suga's expense, it's hard to fall in love with a stranger you called a lover.
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 140





	When The Kettle Was Boiling

**Author's Note:**

> This was mostly self-indulgent and for a friend because we absolutely adore Daisuga. So it's not perfect but it's out there heh.  
> I'll also link the songs that sort of remind me of the story.
> 
> [Intro](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVdPh2cBTN0)

"These were your favorite."

Daichi held out a thin bouquet of carnations to his silver-headed lover. They were pale pink, the type of color you would dress a newborn baby in. And maybe that's what Daichi was going for.

"They're beautiful," Suga says almost breathlessly, and adjusts himself in his seat from the couch with his legs snugly tucked into a blanket. His grip was gentle when he took the flowers from Daichi's hands, a small pleasant smile curling upwards on his lips.

Daichi watched Suga with careful eyes as the other man takes an innocent sniff at the petals. His eyes were hooded with adoration, and it sparked a candle of hope within Daichi.

"Do you remember?" He hasn't asked that in a while.

Suga's teeth worried at his bottom lip with hesitation, and he replied. "Not really." He meets Daichi's gaze. It was intent, observant, and always ready to listen. That type of look has grown itself a home on Daichi's face, and it makes Suga feel like he's being listened to with no distraction. So he always returns the favor with his honesty, because transparency was something Daichi had asked out of him when asking these sort of questions. "But I can see why they were."

Suga attempted at a reassuring smile. And Daichi wasn't sure if it was helping or hurting him. Honesty truly is a double-edged sword.

Despite his condition, Sugawara is no idiot, nor is he blind. Sharp wits were never lost in that accident. He could see the faint look of disappointment in Daichi's eyes that he was desperately trying to mask. And immediately, he felt awful for handing him yet another negative response to one of his questions about Suga's memory. It was like beating a dead horse, one blow after another. And he didn't want to have Daichi keep bleeding from it.

So he leans forward where Daichi was kneeling and places a hand on his cheek, running a thumb across his cheekbone with affection that was rooted from guilt. He told himself that he cares about Daichi, just maybe not in the same way as he might think he's supposed to.

"I love them," Suga smiles fondly, trying to reach into Daichi's heart. "Thank you."

Suga's hand is warm like a ray of sunshine that Daichi's cheek was bathing in. His palms are astonishingly soft, his ivory skin being free of blemishes and touched with beauty marks across his body and arms.

He would kiss every single beauty mark that graced Suga's body in pure admiration because he just adores them so much. Suga never quite understood that before the accident happened, finding the dark dots to be an insecurity instead. But it didn't matter now, because after what's happened to him, Daichi is determined to turn those insecurities into something Suga will love about himself.

Daichi places his own hand on top of where Suga still cupped his cheek. He gripped the warmth of his partner's hand tightly as if it might melt away if he didn't. With eyes drawn closed, he turns his head to plant a kiss on Suga's soft palm before bringing the hand to his nose to rest his head on. He smells of a muted scent of citrus. A scent Daichi has found himself calling home.

"I love you," Daichi mumbles almost incoherently, but Suga hears it loud and clear.

Though, he doesn't say it back. Just a brief, but fond smile. A fond smile that just happens, as if it was a habitual reflex he's done over and over wholeheartedly before. But now, the muscles work just as they always have, but the heart behind it is missing.

And Daichi knows that it's missing.

He lets go of Suga's hand, immediately missing the warmth that he curses himself for still being used to. He's torturing himself this way.

"You want anything from the kitchen?" Daichi's breath hitches in the middle of the sentence as he gets up.

"No, I'm okay." Suga is frugal with his desires now. It's odd since he used to jump on the opportunity whenever Daichi would offer to get him something.

His staple was always a jasmine tea. So eventually, Daichi had started to always bring back a mug of tea for Suga whenever he made a trip to the kitchen. And every time, Suga acted like the man just got him a bucket of treats. And every single time, he would be pleasantly surprised and shower Daichi with kisses.

But now, Suga doesn't even like tea.

The overhead cabinet that was filled with boxes of the tea has remained untouched. It collected dust in the swarthed darkness of the closed cabinet, and the kettle that they had gotten at a garage sale also sat unbothered in the corner. Daichi was still too used to seeing it sit at the stove, housing boiled water or brewed tea for the next mug to come.

But having finally come to terms with the fact that it will probably never come again, he empties the cabinet of the deserted boxes into a garbage bag and shoves it inside the trash. A weak attempt at getting anything that spoke of the old Suga out of his sight.

Because he needs to move on.

\---

It happened in January, two weeks after the New Year. Two weeks after he got the new car. The car that Daichi got as a gift for Suga to replace his 2004 Toyota Camry. It was an innocent New Years' gift. Thoughtful because Suga's Camry was ratty, old, and worn-down, having had it since high school and even before then. They had shared an elated moment that would soon turn bitter upon retrospect. Unaware that it would lead to the disaster that costed Suga's memory.

That's how it always played inside Daichi's mind.

Sugawara was on his way to work as a kindergarten teacher on a bright 8 AM morning. Traffic was heavy that day. A routine part of living in Tokyo that everyone's been forced to grow accustomed to. The weather was cold and drugged with a translucent fog, and the chill of the air bit at people's skin like pricked needles. Though, it was a regular January morning; deceivingly so. It was a regular January morning, marching into a terrible afternoon, then ending with a tragic evening. And the curtain of such a show is still drawn closed with ambiguity.

Daichi leaves for work at 6 AM every morning, and it was no different that day. Suga was still in bed, tucked under the blankets and swallowed in the room's morning darkness when Daichi had kissed Suga goodbye. Just like he always has.

The latter's response was sleep-slow, but it still meant something when he croaked out an "I love you" and to have a good day in the office. Daichi said it back, not aware that that would be the last time he will hear his lover say those intimate words. It would take mere hours for life to throw a curveball at them.

Daichi had never been so aware of sheer panic when he got the call from the hospital. And it didn't go away when he was on the road, driving to see his boyfriend after a brutal vehicle accident. Daichi had to resist the urge to floor the gas pedal because he was hyperaware of the fact that he was willing to abandon all consideration of everyone's lives on the road. The tears brimming at his eyes told him that he wanted to make it before the worst could happen. Before Suga would already be gone.

It was unfair to arrive at the hospital and see him looking so at rest on the bed, while Daichi was wild with stress. Even when he was hooked up to numerous machines. The bruises that clashed against Suga's pale skin was a grotesque mixture of blue and purple, like it was lazily smeared paint against a blank canvas. His eyelids were tinged a faint, pinkish hue that told exhaustion and laborious trauma. While looking like he was at peace, he also looked as if he was in painful discomfort.

So utterly different from how Daichi had left him in the morning. But all that mattered was that the heart monitor was still beeping.

At first, it was relief Daichi had felt. His panic evaporated into a blissful mist in the air that lifted pressure from his chest. He could breathe again, as if he just won against the currents of a violent sea. Suga's hand was still warm when he went to grab it, and his chest would rise and fall like a calm, rhythmic tide. Daichi felt blessed to still be able to kiss his partner's hand while it was warm and familiar. He was alive, and there was nothing he needed to worry about anymore.

It was purely naive for Daichi to fall into a deceiving sense of security because it was soon thwarted by an unforeseen possibility.

Suga woke up later that evening and didn't recognize Daichi. His eyes were open, hooded, and glossed over in an almost catatonic state. And when his hazel eyes found Daichi, there was nothing that glimmered in his stare.

Daichi had called his name, but the look on Suga's face only pressed with confusion.

"Do I know you?"

And all the relief that Daichi had felt, ceased. What was once so relieving became extremely surreal with pain.

It was until after the doctor evaluated Suga that his fears were confirmed. "Any sort of trauma to the brain has a chance of causing amnesia." The doctor's eyes looked at Daichi from over the top of his wired glasses. "And this is one of those cases."

"Will he get his memory back?" Daichi couldn't believe he was even asking the question. He could feel denial tugging at his conscience, exercising his thoughts to not believe the damn cold-eyed doctor.

And his response was no source of comfort either. He had shrugged almost nonchalantly. "It's not impossible."

"What does that _mean?_ " Daichi was irked, and he looked at Suga with the habit of seeing him ready to back him up at whatever cost. But instead, he saw nothing from him. No look, no smile, or any sort of shared frustration. He was simply there, listening. His expression was void of anything.

And that made reality sink its teeth deep into the front of Daichi's mind.

"It means that he might get his memory back. And if he does, there's no telling how long it'll take." The doctor gave another inspecting glance at Suga that the latter did not return. "Or, he might not ever get it back. But that's only in severe cases."

"And how severe is his?"

"Quite. He doesn't even remember his name."

That was a real slap in the damn face. The type of slap in the face that comes from the left side when you're looking towards the right. The type you never even _saw_ coming. And it stung like _shit,_ like absolute _shit_. Like a papercut that won't stop bleeding. Or a stone that won't stop beating. The silence dragged on endlessly on a rope of ungrasped reality. The doctor knew the face Daichi was making too well, and the first conveyed look of sympathy crosses in his eyes.

"I'm sorry. We can only give it some time."

It was at that moment that Daichi's world with the one person that he absolutely loves like a damn treasure, became interrupted by a diamond two-way mirror falling between them.

Impossible to break, with Daichi being able to see Suga, but Suga not being able to see Daichi.

\--

The first month was a searing cut to Daichi's gut.

It was very apparent that Suga did not feel the same for Daichi as he had before. He didn't feel the same for anybody, really. But he still possessed the same bright and polite personality. There were just a few changes in preferences here and there.

He no longer preferred tea over coffee; he would not even touch it. He could also no longer stand it when Daichi would smoke a cigarette in the back patio after dinner. It was enough to get him to quit the bad habit. Though in reality, Suga doesn't know what he likes, because he doesn't know who he was himself. Everything he feels comes as a surprise to him.

Therefore, Daichi made it a priority to help Suga rediscover himself before attempting to rediscover their relationship.

"Here." Daichi plops a faded blue hardcover book on the dining table in front of Suga. The latter looked up at him, and then at the book with a quizzical expression.

"What is it?" Suga asks, reaching over and taking the book in his hands. It was rough, and the spine was worn with frays and scratches. It was clearly old and had been abused with excessive use. He flips to the first page, the dots in his head not seeming to connect.

"It's your favorite book," Daichi sits across from Suga before chuckling to himself awkwardly. "Or rather, it _was_."

The words on the page flowed with vivid rhythm, all placed in a jumble of a paragraph. "Is this... poetry?" Suga quirks a brow up with an inquiring look at the pleasantly smiling Daichi. There was also a hint of nostalgia dressing his eyes.

"You've always been a sap for it." Daichi teases, watching Suga flip through the pages curiously. He smiled wider in awe, being able to witness Suga's focused look appear on his face. He's always found it adorable with the space between his brows creasing with attention, and his lips drawing into a thin line, muttering every now and then.

Daichi used to shut him up with a kiss because the muttering would grow louder by every passing minute if left unattended to. And Suga would always give in, smiling and humming against Daichi's lips like he was waiting for it to happen. Sometimes Daichi wondered if he would grow louder on purpose just to earn a kiss without asking. He's dorky enough to do that. He could sometimes just see it through the sparkling mischief in his eyes just before he leaned in to connect their breaths.

And it's not a secret to anyone that Daichi likes to watch Suga. A lot. Simply out of pure admiration and affection.

Suga quickly relearned that fact within the first few weeks of being discharged from the hospital. At first, it was weird. It made him subconscious of himself, despite not even knowing himself well enough to be subconscious. But eventually, he got used to it and found it comforting in an odd way even if he doesn't really _know_ Daichi. Except for the fact that he's supposed to love him.

That word, _supposed to_. It made Suga uncomfortable with himself every now and then. He's supposed to _love_ Daichi. He did before the accident. But now he doesn't remember how or why he did.

It's one of the things that he feels missing, without really knowing what he misses.

And despite Suga not showing any signs of being in love with Daichi, Daichi never hesitates to show Suga just how much he is still in love with him. Not through those intimate ways of kissing and cuddling. But through telling him stories about Suga's life and what his favorite things are. And by being understanding when Suga forgets to do something he's usually supposed to do around the house. And by accepting the changes to Suga's behavior and preferences, even if Suga can tell how difficult it is for him.

Daichi's extremely patient. So patient, that it induces guilt within Suga for not being able to give what Daichi wants, or rather, what he _needs_. He feels like he's cheating something out of him. He feels almost too lucky that he had met someone like Daichi before the entire accident, but was upset that he could not return what the man has been giving him. Suga's even thought about asking Daichi about why he's trying so hard. About how Daichi is in love with him. And why. But he's always refrained from doing so in case he's not allowed to talk about it.

Until about the fifth week since he was discharged.

"Daichi," Suga's voice peters out just when it starts. The dark-haired man looks back at him from the counter, the sound of chopping against the board ceasing. Suga was hesitant, and he was submerged in the tension of his words. "Why do you love me?"

The question was like a freight train screeching in Daichi's ear. He was unprepared. "Because it's you." Was all he could say. Yeah, cheesy as fucking hell. But it was the damn truth. And it was all he could think of after being blindsided by the inquiry.

"But what _about_ me?" Suga clarifies, his hands fiddling against each other atop the dining table. His eyes were glued to the anxious action. "I just want to know. Because I want to be the person you love again."

That was a jab at Daichi's heart. He could even feel it against his ribs and how it rushed the blood to his chest. Silence ensued, and it made Suga regret asking the question. He bit his lip, not enjoying the tight wordlessness between them.

Daichi set the kitchen knife down so he wouldn't grip it so hard to keep from trembling, and when he spoke, his tone was even. "You don't have to worry about that, Koushi." His tongue was dry against the roof of his mouth. "I love you because you're you. Whether or not you remember yourself. Because either way, you still act the same." He pulls on a genuine smile. "You're still the same person to me."

_The same person. But who is that?_

"I see."

"And don't worry about being the same person I love." Daichi gulped at his words. He had avoided the topic of their romantic relationship for too long, and it was resurfacing in his mind after locking it away in an iron chest for all this time. It was like peeling back a bandaid at an agonizingly slow pace to reveal an ugly wound that he doesn't know how to treat. "Because I'm not trying to force you to love me again. Just get to know me as me, alright? And not strictly as a lover."

Suga tugged at his fingers, giving Daichi a slow, understanding nod.

And then they had dinner like normal. At least it seemed so.

After clearing the table, it was Suga's turn to wash the dishes. Daichi went to his office to take care of some work. It was growing late, a few hours since dinner, and Suga learned that Daichi tends to stay up for an ungodly amount of hours even if he has to leave early in the morning. So he thought of giving the man a cup of coffee.

But when he approached the slightly ajar door of the office, he instead heard the sound of him weeping. And it didn't take a sharp mind to know what (or who) exactly he was weeping for. The grief in his stifled sobs spoke volumes, and it was enough to stop Suga in his tracks like a deer in headlights, wondering if he should still head in or if he should walk away.

Ultimately, he decided against going inside and catching him in such a vulnerable moment. Partly because he was dry-eyed himself, and he wouldn't know how to comfort Daichi effectively. But he knew that if he walked away as if he heard nothing, guilt will start to grow inside him like thorned vines. In the midst of pondering, Suga remained still at the door, with the cup of coffee eventually growing cold in his hands.

\--

Daichi never imposed anything romantic or intimate on Suga after he lost his memories. He kept his distance out of both courtesy and protection of his pain. It's hard to look at someone when they don't look at you the same. He doesn't feel any sort of reciprocation from Suga, and he's become hard to read as both a person and as a lover. Daichi became a stranger to Suga in a matter of hours. And now Suga was slowly starting to become a stranger in his eyes as well. A stranger he is still deeply in love with.

He was too aware of the fact that Suga simply either has to fall in love with him again, or just never do so and grow apart from their relationship. It's a hit or miss that was as obscure as a translucent scope. He wasn't sure if Suga was learning to love him again or learning that he doesn't love Daichi. Every interaction between them was superficial, the surface never being broken under.

But that eventually changed.

It was the middle of April, cold, dark, and uneventful. They were both asleep in the same bed, their bodies untouching and away from each other. They had their claimed sides, an imaginary line splitting the bed in half. In the midst of his slumber, a dream permeates in Suga's sleep.

He was in a car with sleek black seats, surrounded by the sweet scent of citrus. A type of air freshener. The road was roughly packed, but he was calm. He was _humming_ to himself with fingers tapping against the wheel idly. The dream was pleasant with tranquility, and the drive was smooth even when it had a lot of traffic stops. The thought was there, inside the dream, that he was on his way to work. Suga knew he was a teacher, but he hasn't been to work since he got in the accident. So he isn't sure why he was thinking of it.

And then he realized why.

The car approached a street that dipped downhill. It started off smoothly, gliding over the change in the ground. But it was midway through the hill when he realized that something was terribly wrong. It started off as a warm patch in his chest, but it quickly evolved into an unsettling heat of anxiety. It caught hold of his breath like a vice grip, and panic tornadoes inside his mind. His heart picked up speed at the same time the car did. The wheels were barreling relentlessly down the road.

_The brake. The brake. The brake._

Suga's foot stomps on the break, but he realizes that he's already been doing that since he noticed the car picking up its pace. It melted in him, slowly, regrettably, and terrifyingly, the cold sweat and the surreal sense of time when his thoughts finally became aware of the danger.

The brake isn't working.

Suga could do nothing but grip onto the steering wheel like death, instincts kicking in and preparing to steer off course to prevent colliding into anyone on his way down to his doom. His elbows were in a stilted tremble, and the car was practically racing down the slope, collecting dust behind it. With a sharp-minded reaction, he veered the wheel all the way right— a little too right.

It spun his car in a sickening circle with no way to regain control. Hands held onto the wheel with a stiff back to keep from crashing into the glass, and Suga was petrified into a state of immobilization, with only his thoughts moving across his mind in hurried flashes. Others on the road were dodging the spinning car that was gathering momentum. And it was twisted for Suga to wish they would collide into him because the spinning only made him want to puke. And it made him wonder when it will end.

It did when the car finally collided with a truck that was far sturdier than his.

He wasn't sure what happened after that. He only knew that the car totaled. One time. Then two times. And maybe three?

Everything was far too vivid in his head. Colors were bright, the smell was gruesome with blood, and he felt himself lose a huge part of something in his mind before blacking out. The sounds were as crystal as it can get, jarring with sirens and horns, and it was traumatic enough to blast Suga awake and back into reality. He sucked in a loud gasp, followed by an aggressive flinch of his body that woke his light sleeper of a boyfriend.

"What happened?" Daichi was purely reacting to the starling jolt and immediately jumps up in bed before even looking at Suga. After processing that there was no real imminent danger, he turned to look beside him through the darkness. Witnessing his boyfriend encasing his cold sweated face in his clammy hands.

The images, the terror, and pain were all catching up out of nowhere. Suga's chest was tight as if glass just pierced his skin, his muscles were taut with shock, and his back was recalling the feeling of his rib snapping at that moment. It's the first time Suga has remembered something, and it was not a pleasant epiphany.

Daichi could hear the stilted breaths coming from him through the darkness, and he tentatively places a hand on Suga's pale arm to catch his attention. When he didn't shrink away, he pulled Suga's hand off his face and found tears cascading down his cheeks with eyes wide open.

Immediately, Daichi showered him with panicked questions like "are you okay?" and "what happened?" while pulling Suga up and into his arms to protect him from whatever was making him cry at 4 in the morning. This snapped a thinning thread that Suga was clinging onto inside, and his tears turned into blunt sobs.

"The accident-" Suga could barely speak, but Daichi was listening with all the attention he could muster. "...I remember... I think-" he hiccupped, the words sounding like nonsensical blabber in his mouth and ears. "I think... I think, I think-" But he couldn't articulate. He could only cry and feel.

Daichi held him, Suga's head nestled into the nape of his neck. His arms held the silver-headed man against his chest, and Suga clung onto Daichi, arms wrapped around his waist and hands fisted into the back of his shirt. Tears were wetting Daichi's shoulder, and he was crying out against the darkness of the room, his back still aching from the memory.

And in turn, Daichi could only listen and let silent tears fall down his own cheeks. Because he knows what happened in the car, and what had caused the accident to occur. The brake had stopped working, and no matter how much the doctor reassured him that that was not something Daichi could predict, he carried the guilt with him along the way.

And hearing Suga cry from his expense, only hammered the spike that he was trying so tirelessly hard to remove, deeper into his heart.

_It's my fault._

If he hadn't gotten him the car.

_He wouldn't be in so much pain_.

And he wouldn't be so lost in himself.

_And I wouldn't be so lost in him_.

The dawn was starting to peek out the horizon, and Daichi had to get up in the next hour and a half for work. But he didn't care. Because he stayed the way he is with Suga, having missed holding him so close and being able to smell his hair and just him in general. He tightened his hold on his distraught lover and whispered into his ear sharply with a break in his voice.

"I'm sorry."

\--

The dream slowly turned into a reoccurring night terror.

Almost every night since the first one, Suga woke up in a cold sweat and racing heartbeat at 4 AM and would refuse to get out of bed for the day. He would remain consumed inside the comforter, eyes tired and dark circles starting to color under. Numerous sleepless nights have caused his ivory skin to reach an unhealthy pallid white, only bringing out the darkness of his eye bags. And after almost two weeks of trying to get Suga out of bed with no success, Daichi was able to convince him to go start seeing a therapist.

Suga preferred calling her a shrink.

The lady seemed resilient. She had intense eyes that didn't stop staring when Suga would talk. It was both unsettling and comforting, but he found himself looking down at his lap and into his cupped hands a lot to avoid such a stare.

"I feel like I don't deserve him," Suga says out of nowhere. They were talking about his night terrors just moments before.

But accepting the change of topic, she tilted her head to get a new angle at the man. "Why is that?"

Suga shrugged, his form small and timid. "Because he treats me like he still loves me even though I don't even know him." It's something Suga has never been able to grasp. With the absence of his previous memories, it's hard to put the pieces back together because he doesn't know where they're supposed to go.

A shallow smile crosses onto the shrink's face. "How long have you been living with him, Sugawara?"

"Since February."

"So you can say that you do know him. Just not in the same way, right?"

A crease in Suga's brows form, his teeth tugging at his lips. "But I don't know what the _same_ is supposed to be."

"It's not about what it's _supposed_ to be," The shrink's voice is velvety with comfort, and it was enough to ease the tension holding at Suga's shoulders. The baggy jacket he wore was Daichi's, offered by him when Suga forgot his own on the living room couch just before they left. It made his limbs look willowy, and all the more diffident. "There's no guarantee you will get your memories back, right?"

"Right." Something about that chance made a downcast look film over Suga's features.

But the kind blue of the shrink's eyes shone hope that Suga resisted in falsely believing. "So, instead of trying to put it back together, try making something new instead."

\--

Suga stared at the garbage bag that protruded out the trash can. It was the first time Daichi had said 'I love you' since the accident, and the silence Suga returned was painfully uncomfortable. He had heard him clearing out the kitchen of something before heading down to his office, and Suga had to investigate.

Things between them had started to finally take form. Not drastically, but it was _some_ thing. Something like a chip in a diamond. The surface of superficiality was being broken under, delving into a dark sea of anonymity that Suga was willing to explore if Daichi will allow it. He can see how much Daichi is hurting sometimes as if his mind was still trained to notice those things about him. It's like an autopilot, and without it, Suga would have no idea what to do with him.

But now, he wanted to fly manual.

"Can I have some water with it?" Suga had asked, laying on the bed with the newly prescribed sleeping pill in his hand. Daichi had handed it to him and he looked at Suga with a sheepish smile.

"Sorry, right." Daichi hands him a water bottle from his work bag, half empty. "You used to dry swallow pills."

A scrunched look appears on the other man's face, bemused and disgusted. "Why?" He unscrews the cap a little too quickly, and it falls to the floor with a timid bounce.

"Beats me." Daichi bends over to pick up the cap, but instead of handing it back, he looked down at his fingers turning the cap over and under. "You had a weird part about you."

"Yet here we are." Suga jokes after downing the pill. Though he only received a silent chuckle, and Suga's face faltered with reflexive sympathy. Has he lost the sense to know when humor is appropriate? Or is he just overthinking it? "I meant, you got with a weirdo like me, so..." An embarrassed chuckle escapes his lips.

Daichi admired the cute look of bashfulness in his partner's face, forming a small curved smirk.

"It wasn't a bad kind of weird. Just kind of quirky." Daichi finally hands the cap back, Suga taking it with his fingers brushing by Daichi's warm ones. In that brief moment, it was a grimace that came from Daichi. A grimace that Suga felt through their minor moment of contact and oddly felt awfully dreadful about. Daichi wasn't sure why he grimaced, perhaps because he was afraid he might scare Suga away like he was some ghost.

Because it already felt like he was gone.

And Suga didn't know, but he partially did, why he hooked his slender fingers against Daichi's before it slowly grew into a grab of his hand. The bottle cap dropped to the floor again, and the water bottle was abandoned at the nightstand.

Suga stood up from the bed but kept space between them. It was as if there was something there that told him to not get too close. Like a string tugging at his back, holding onto him like reigns on a horse, but he stayed where he was. Distant, but still close enough that their arms hung in front of them with hands grasping each other tightly. 

Glistening brown eyes stared back at Suga, mouth slightly agape and brows opening up his expression wide.

"Please don't be scared of telling me about us." He gave a squeeze to Daichi's hand, further emphasizing the sincerity of his words. And Daichi remained still, watching Suga like he's watching an angel speak. "I know I was weird. I know I used to like tea and that I always slept in on the weekends. That I apparently dry-swallowed pills and oddly enjoyed yard work on ungodly hot days." Some of which, doesn't apply to him anymore. And remembering that made Suga make a face that looked like he just got kicked. "But I want to know about us now."

"Us?" Daichi's voice could only echo in a mere broken whisper, reticent tears making his eyes shine. He squeezed Suga's hand with such a firm tightness that he could only squeeze back. He forgot that he and Suga were still an 'us' thing. The past months had been nothing but unburrowed conversations, mere airless company, and patience. Daichi had gotten used to not hearing Suga laugh with him anymore, and not having him jump on his back while he was in the office, and not bringing him tea every time he returns from the kitchen.

He was practically just grieving. Loving a figment of someone who doesn't exist anymore, with the great potential of never coming back. And yet, the face of the person he's mourning for still walks the Earth, still sounds like him, still acts like him, and _is still_ him. Just not _him_. And it was all Daichi's fault. It was all he could think about for literally giving Suga the ride to his doom.

Daichi's other hand raises to run a gentle rake of his fingers through the silver locks on Suga's head. The touch was familiar; warm like strokes of sweet honey under golden sunlight. A feeling that sprouts within him like a fresh autumn plant, waiting for the spring to grow again. And Suga's eyes flitted closed, leaning against the warm calloused hand of Daichi's, causing the latter to suck in a breath of surprise.

"Can I hug you?"

Suga nods without hesitation.

They close the space between them, arms wrapped around each other with Daichi humming a sigh of relief against Suga's ear as if he'd been deprived of air all this time. The nape of Daichi's neck is comfortable and filled with warmth like it was just molded for him. And Daichi missed holding Suga so close, being able to smell his citrus scent and feel the breathing in his chest against his own. Daichi was feeling all these things, like a rebirthed catharsis of emotions he had kept in for so long. But he tried not to wonder too much how Suga was feeling.

Suga didn't feel nearly as much as Daichi did, because he can't remember what he was missing all this time. But there was still a bud of comfort and affection hinting in his gut. "I want to make something new out of myself." Suga sighed against Daichi's collarbone. "I want to learn to love you again. In a new way with a new story."

He felt Daichi nod. "Okay."

The heart behind Suga's small acts of affection would come and go like seasons. It isn't super easy to fall in love with someone again in a matter of just a few weeks since they had shared the intimate moment in the bedroom. Occasionally, he'd find himself falling asleep on Daichi's shoulder on the train, or seeking a hug from him just to feel his warm arms hold him like a precious pot of gold. But on other days, they would remain untouched by each other's presence.

Suga held the box of tea that he'd taken out the garbage bag. It was a pale yellow with a pure white flower printed on the corner, next to letters that read _warm jasmine_. He frowned at the bag upon discovering that it was filled with numbers of the same kind of box. How wasteful, was what he thought. Even though he knew why they were there.

He prefers coffee now. Light roast, in fact, as light as it can get. It's sweet and filling, even if Daichi teased that that's usually what ten-year-olds drink when their mothers allow it on the weekends. Suga rejected the numerous times Daichi would try to serve him a mug of tea, back when he was first discharged from the hospital and was back home. And then it came to a point where Daichi stopped. Because both he and Suga knew that he now prefers coffee.

So why was he boiling water at the stove?

The kettle hissed brutally, the bubbles inside the metallic surfaces gurgling viciously like they were gonna pop. In the midst of the boiling, Suga dropped a stringless tea bag of jasmine inside the water, maybe even a couple just to really let it soak in there, along with a paper towel placed over the opening for the lid to close on. And then he waited, leaning back against the counter and tapping his fingers against it idly. The jasmine scent fumed invisibly around the room like it was some holy ghost, causing Suga to close his eyes and smell it blissfully with a smile. Despite not liking the tea, he could sit and smell it for hours.

He wasn't sure why he was doing what he was doing. Maybe he was giving himself the chance to like tea again. It's the type of urge that nudges at your impulses, not quite articulating a specific motive behind the action. You just know you want to do it.

The smell brought Daichi stumbling into the kitchen as if he was racing to get there. His eyes found Suga's by the counter, his brows bending inwards when his gaze flickered between the hissing kettle and Suga's innocent face.

"What are you doing?" Daichi asks.

"Making tea," Suga replies with an innocent hum in his voice. He removed himself off the counter as Daichi went over to the kettle with purpose, slowly settling alarm in him. "Did I do something wrong?"

Daichi lifted the lid of the kettle and saw the paper towel there, his shoulders hiking up with mild tensity. He was shocked, but by what? Suga was worried now, the other man's face completely serious as he lifted the paper towel and looked inside to inspect the tea.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" Suga wasn't even sure why he was saying sorry.

"Suga, how did you know to do this?" Daichi didn't even let him finish, his eyes eagerly reaching into Suga's soul.

The silver-headed man cracked his fingers nervously. "Do what?"

Daichi looked back at the kettle, bending over and looking at it all around. It was like he was making sure it wouldn't run away or something. "How did you know how to use the kettle?"

"What do you mean?"

"And the paper towel thing and dumping the teabags in there instead of waiting for it to-" Daichi was breathless since he was talking so fast. He ran a hand down his face before repeating: "How did you know how to use the kettle?"

Suga's eyes dragged over to the grey kettle, looking the faded metal up and down as if it might give him the answers. "I just remembered to take the plate off and set the temperature to the fourth notch." He showed Daichi what he was talking about like it was some exhibit. "And then I turned this here with the plate on this time."

When he looked back at Daichi, he saw the face of bright joy and a smile starting to tug at the ends of his lips. Everything was so confusing that Suga could only return bemusement.

"What...?"

"You remembered, Koushi."

Suga blinked, glancing back and forth from Daichi to the kettle, his mind finally connecting a string of dots somewhere in his mind. Daichi had never taught Suga how to use their kettle.

"I did," Suga's eyes brightened upon the revelation. Then a smile encased his lips. "I remembered!"

The kettle is old, therefore its model is premature and too complicated to use compared to modern kettles. They had gotten it at a garage sale when they first moved into their shared home, and Suga absolutely adored it to the point he established a specific process on how to brew tea in it. By dropping tea bags inside _while_ the water was boiling and putting the towel over it to trap the steam. A process that Daichi never used since he only added the tea bags _after_ the water boiled on its own, which is why the smell of brewing tea had him rushing to the kitchen to see whether or not he's gone insane.

The most amusing part about it all was that Suga didn't even realize he was remembering something.

Happy tears were already trickling down Daichi's face, and when Suga reached to wipe them away, he was wrapped in a hug that no longer felt solemn or heavy with deprivation, but a hug that felt like raw joy. It was tighter, warmer, and more sure in itself. No longer with a gingerly splash like how a pot of gold would be held. But with an upbeat amorosity that caused them to sway side to side as Suga wrapped his arms around Daichi's waist tightly.

It had been months and Suga finally remembered something besides the accident.

"You remembered, you remembered..." Daichi just kept saying it like a prayer right beside Suga's ear where his face was buried. His hand brushed up and down soft silver locks affectionately, admiring the mind of Sugawara Koushi for finally recalling something.

"Yup, I did," Suga says shakily, voice not quite comprehending the immense amount of joy he was feeling in the moment.

It's such a simple memory. Brewing tea, hah! And knowing how to use a damn old kettle. Who knew something so ancient could bring on such a milestone moment? It's simply one memory of thousands, millions, and trillions that Sugawara has forgotten. Ungrasped like a searing wind that's impossible to retrieve when it has no form. But it meant so much more than just a memory. It meant that maybe Suga hasn't lost all hope. That he can still retrieve parts of himself that he has dropped behind him. It may not be all, but some is better than none.

It also meant that Daichi hasn't lost all hope. Because it's the first time Suga has seen him smile with all his heart electrifying through his face. He was so accustomed to seeing him smile with a sad face. Or seeing him exhibit nothing at all, his features dragging down with suppressed longing and guilt. His laughs and chuckles never rumbled with joy, only with painful nostalgia at the mention of Suga's old self.

But seeing him cry with joy, and with all his smile and shimmer in his eyes, was enough to make a tear fall down Suga's own cheek.

\--

Months go by, and the rainy spring turns to a beating hot summer.

It's July, almost August, and Suga was starting to remember minor details about his life before the accident. It was like little baby steps in the dirt that left small footprints, sparking a certain detail in the back of his mind like a hungry flame. And then it's just there for him to remember.

Moments like these are what get Suga occupied for hours. His mind grills the detail over and over, replaying it like it is the most entertaining movie he could reminisce on. Daichi would be able to tell when this happens, because Suga would be in the back patio, looking up at the sky as if it was playing right there. And sometimes he'd join, sneaking up behind him and wrapping his arms around his waist as he listens to Suga talk. He would feel his voice rumble a resonant sound whenever his head was nestled against his neck. And sometimes he'd give a peck on the back of his pale neck that made Suga smile.

Their relationship still isn't back to the way it was, where kisses and 'I love you's' are exchanged. But they simply let it be. Whatever sort of affection they feel like expressing, happens. Because they could feel their roots growing back together, slowly, but with gaining purpose. And Suga could actually start to feel himself falling in love again.

Suga was on the patio, leaning against the porch railing with the sky painting itself into an evening. The horizon was a hubristic orange; strong, bold, and enticing. Yet, instead of looking at the beautiful sunset, Suga was looking down at a pack of cigarettes in his hands.

He had remembered that Daichi used to smoke in the back patio after dinner almost every day. Even after the accident happened and when Suga returned home. But he had told him to stop because he didn't like the smell of the smoke that lingered on him afterward. Now he's quit the habit (thank god, not today lung cancer) and no longer smells of smokey tobacco.

But Suga was remembering the times _before_ the accident where Daichi would light a cigarette and puff it out into the evening air. He remembers watching him from inside, adoring the way the setting sun glowed on his face. Or the way the moonlight caressed his features during the winter, where sunlight would hide away quickly into the day. Sometimes he'd be out there shirtless, and Suga would observe every dimple and indentation of his muscular build, every depth about him telling a story that Suga would dive into blindly, knowing that Daichi was always there to be his eyes in the dark. If only he could remember those stories.

Maybe that's why he never really forced Daichi to quit smoking before. Because he could return the favor of his partner's stares and have his own time to stare at and adore Daichi without him being aware. Because it made it all more real.

"What are you remembering this time?" Daichi peeks out the door from inside. The orange sky made Daichi glow, and it made Suga have to take a quick breath in to savor the sight.

Suga shook the pack of cigarettes in his hands. "These little guys."

"Oh, _those_ guys." Daichi joins Suga, emitting a silly chuckle. He tapped the box that was in Suga's hand. "You tryna smoke it or something?" He meets Suga's gaze up close with a lopsided grin.

"Maybe." Suga hums with a smile, opening the lid with slender fingers. "You got a lighter on you?"

"No, I quit, remember?" Daichi shakes his head, laughing deeply amongst himself.

"Ah, bummer." Suga closes the lid before placing the box on the railing.

"Where'd you even get that? I thought I threw them all out." Daichi eyed the box beside his hand. It was a fresh box too.

"I _remembered_ that you kept some in our safe," Suga says, watching Daichi smile at the word. "For whatever reason, I don't know."

"Beats me." Daichi shrugs. How silly is he to not remember something he did deliberately? Though, Suga would be the last to have a say on that.

"Can you go get a lighter?"

"Are you seriously trying to smoke it right now?" Daichi's eyes narrowed with an ajar grin.

"Why not? I don't remember how it feels." Suga reaches for the box, but Daichi slides it away from his grasp.

"You didn't like it."

"Who says I won't now?"

"And get you hooked? Not a chance."

Suga frowned, and it was freaking adorable. His bottom lip was slightly pursed, brows creased, and nose slightly distressed. Daichi had to hold back a smile of awe in order to keep up his authoritative front. "You were hooked on it once, weren't you?"

"Doesn't mean it was good for me." Daichi slid the cigarette box inside his pocket. Out of the sight of Suga's temptation. "This is something I'd rather not have you remember."

"You're unfair." Suga bites out with a playful smile.

Daichi snorts amusingly, taking in the sight of Suga's beauty before the sunset. His pearly complexion was just a canvas for any light that shines upon it. Just simply breathtaking. Daichi's heart was exploding with admiration, and his stare was dragging on long enough for Suga to notice and return. So he takes Suga's hand and brings it to his lips to place a chaste kiss on the soft, perfect skin there.

"Besides, I don't wanna leave your side right now." Daichi was close when he said that, his voice dipping to a low volume just a few fractions away from Suga's face.

"Well, I guess that makes up for it." Suga's eyes drifted to Daichi's lips, and it made Daichi's heart skip a beat in anticipation.

Pale, nimble fingers reach up to brush against Daichi's lips like a hesitant wind. A whisked and apprehensive curiosity that coursed a tingling sensation through Daichi's face, down his chest, and into his beating heart. Suga's hazel eyes detailed over where his fingers traced, before whispering so painfully quietly, but just enough for Daichi to catch, "I wonder what these feel like again..."

God, he couldn't stop himself anymore. Like a reign snapping from his thoughts, no longer holding him back, Daichi starts a kiss that was feathery like a soft comb against Suga's lips. They brush up on soft skin, and Suga makes a pleased humming sound before kissing him back.

An ember ignites something so terribly starved inside Daichi, kissing the man even harder to quench the fervor inside that had sat dormant for so long. Suga's hands rake up Daichi's neck before they were wrapped up around it with a fist full of brown hair. Daichi's hands reached for his waist, pulling them close so nothing could tear them apart again. He was excited, elated, happy, and so was Suga.

Suga kisses Daichi like he's never stopped before. As if there was no time where they didn't do things like this because the feeling felt so right. It felt right and it felt like the searing joy was taking them so high into the moment, that he was hoping they wouldn't fall. Their lips melded like they were perfect for each other, Daichi leaning into Suga's space so his back would arch.

They both smiled in between relentless kisses, teeth working at each other's lips. Sighs of happiness came from the two, eventually coming to a blissful stop by opening their eyes and looking at each other like they were the only thing that existed in this entire fucking world.

Daichi looked like he was about to cry again.

"You amaze me every single time, Koushi." Daichi smiles with a hand rising to cup Suga's face.

"That's what I'm here to do." Suga giggles as he leans into Daichi for a hug, finding a place on his shoulder once again. This was just what he needed. A hand takes to his head, brushing it softly as the sun was starting to hide and the orange was starting to fade into a musked grey.

It was silent between them. Their beating hearts now slowed to a synchronized rhythm with the sun now completely gone into the horizon. The moonlight was starting to wake, but they were still held in each other's arms. For once, the silence felt comfortable, as if it was meant to be there, swaddling them in a bundled up, perfect moment.

"We need to go to Miyagi," Daichi finally says something into Suga's ear.

For whatever reason, Suga doesn't know. But he only hums a compliant response, because he knows whatever the reason may be, Daichi will make it worth it.

\--

The trip to Miyagi ended up being planned and happening in the fall.

It's September 5th, Saturday afternoon after a dreadfully long four-hour train ride. Suga was still drugged with sleep, his eyes half-lidded like a tired baby when he and Daichi got off the train with Suga clutching onto Daichi's arm.

"You still haven't told me why we're here," Suga looks up at Daichi, his chin resting on his shoulder with a pout.

Daichi plants a tender kiss on the forehead through silver locks. "I'll tell you when we get there."

The sky was clear, but it was starting to get chilly. The streets were filled with autumn colors and so were everyone's clothing being wrapped up in snug coats and thin scarves. It was far quieter than Tokyo, almost too quiet for Suga's taste since he's so used to hearing impatient honks every other second. But it felt ideal to be walking around anywhere with Daichi's hand in his with no intention of letting go from both ends.

The walk was long, but they stopped for a bite of food along the way before getting distracted by a flock of ducks that were congregated in a pond by the park. And then they walked past an elementary school during their recess time, with children screaming ecstatically at their wild freedom. Suga giggled before leaning into Daichi as they walked.

"Do you miss work?" Daichi asks. "Well, if you remember it."

"No, I do." Suga sighs, the warmth of Daichi's shoulder was enough to make him want to fall asleep right there on the street. "And I do miss it, judging by what I remember from it." Suga's always had a soft spot for children.

Daichi gives Suga's hand a squeeze once they crossed another block, nodding his head up at the building before them.

"What is it?" Suga's eyes narrowed with scrutiny. The building was tall, and rather solemn-looking compared to the lively energy of the elementary school just a block or two down.

"It's the high school we went to." Daichi leans by Suga's level with a smile. "Where we met."

"Oh dear," Suga's brows furrowed. The building was silver with the windows painted blue by the reflection of the sky. Perhaps it was because classes were in session, but there was no life upon initial gaze. "Why does it look so sad?"

"Cause it's high school, Koushi." Daichi laughs at the remark because he knew it was too true. "Nothing is quite merry in high school."

"Glad I don't remember," Suga mumbles with jest.

"We did have our famous first kiss here," Daichi's face turns sheepish at the memory, an almost fond look mellowing in his eyes. "in the broom closet."

"That's quite famous indeed," Suga sucks in a chuckle before Daichi pulled him further along their walk. "Guess it really did start in the closet." Suga smiled down at his feet, his thoughts digging hard into his soul to try and recall the memory like it was a hidden treasure.

God, he really hopes it comes back to him. That's something Suga really wants to remember.

"Yeah, just two gay boys in the closet, kissing," Daichi laughs, the memory still afresh in his mind. And then he remembers where they are now, and it made him brush his thumb tenderly across Suga's own, their grasped hands sharing warmth.

Who knew they'd be together for so long?

"I wish I could remember." Suga sighs, crestfallen, and his features softening to show disappointment.

"You will." Daichi brings their joined hands up to give it a soft peck. "I know you will. And if not, I can tell the story over and over as much as you'd like."

"Ugh, that'll get boring," Suga says wryly, a mischievous smile flickering up to meet Daichi's feigned offense. But in reality, Suga could listen to Daichi for hours without ever growing bored with him.

They come to an abrupt stop in front of a children's park that was empty. Deserted. Except for maybe a couple of crows on the patch of grass that surrounded the rusted playground. But the trees surrounding the park were rich with reddening leaves and it littered foliage across the ground in a messy heap. Everything about the park just screamed nostalgia, but Suga couldn't put a finger on why.

"Wanna know what happened here?" Daichi led Suga to a bench by the playground. And although the moment was a stranger to Suga, it was a familiar replay of something else in Daichi's mind.

"Enlighten me." Suga smiles happily, taking a seat next to Daichi.

Immediately, a calloused palm meets Suga's face with a feathery touch, capturing the attention of the silver-headed man as if it wasn't already so captured enough. A thumb brushes against the beauty mark by Suga's left eye. "How do you feel about your marks?"

Suga shrugged, not exhibiting any sort of severe bother. "I don't mind them."

That made Daichi smile. He remembered how much the old Suga used to dislike them. From the _start,_ since they first met in high school, it was always a feature about himself that Suga felt perpetual discontent for.

"I'd love to stare into your eyes all day, Daichi," Suga coos as he traces a finger down Daichi's lips. "But I'd also love to hear about what happened here."

Daichi takes the hand and holds it in his lap. "This is where I asked you to be my boyfriend." It was even the same bench. "Back in our second year of high school."

A bright shimmer rounds around those hazel eyes like stars, and Suga's expression in all was as precious as the sight of any rare gem out there. A pearly smile appears on Suga's face with a hint of blush gracing onto his cheeks.

"Is that so?" Suga giggles.

"And," Daichi reaches into the inner pocket of his jacket and pulls out a silver band; a silver ring at that. "This is also where I will be making you a promise." Suga's face is priceless, eyes wide and grin tugging at his lips with a soft gasp. "It's not a marriage proposal, let me say that first," Daichi says quickly, laughing. But Suga's face of pure delight was unwavering.

"A promise ring?"

"Yeah, a promise ring." Daichi slips the band onto Suga's finger, the metal glinting up preciously at the two of them. "A promise that I _will_ propose someday. And that I'll love you _always_." Now it was about Suga's turn to cry. "In whatever way you will come. With memory or not."

How could he not? If the past year wasn't one hell of a test of their relationship, Daichi doesn't know what is.

Suga lost the ability to articulate words, his mind racing for just the right things to say in order to express his joy, but it only came out as silence, with his mouth open and his eyes crinkling from a smile. And it came to be that his silent joy was the perfect answer.

"I love you." The words felt so relieving in Daichi's mouth. It melted like warm chocolate on his tongue. Sweet, savory, and just the right sensation at the right time. He hadn't said it in so long that his voice almost gave under in the middle of the sentence.

"I love you too." The words slide out Suga's mouth with ease as if the ability to say so had never left him. It was like a gust of fresh air fanning Daichi awake and back to where he was with Suga before the accident.

And before he could break into a relieving cry, he kisses Suga with great fervor, clinging onto his jacket so he wouldn't lose the moment in case it was a feverish dream. Suga's hand cups Daichi's cheek, giggling into his warm lips.

"I better expect a proposal soon~" Suga angles Daichi's chin with his fingers, guiding them open to gift him another deep kiss.

"Soon," Daichi says breathlessly, tasting the feeling of home and joy on Suga's baby soft lips. And he was aware that there is no better feeling than this.

"Soon."

**Author's Note:**

> [The End :]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvRBv1NSOtQ)


End file.
